Relying on faith in times of trials

Pastor Mark Buchanan once contemplated, "how much night can a day hold and still be called 'day'?" As a Christian there are times when I am reminded that I haven't fully put my trust in Christ. Those times are often when, as in my last post, I have been frustrated because of outside circumstances, mostly beyond my control. In those times, it feels as if there is far too much darkness in my days. I can sometimes (not often though) become the harbinger of negativity, which is a role I fundamentally despise. I was reminded of that today by my friend, Nancy, who like my wife, also suffers from RA. Additionally, putting negativity out there where others may feel its effect is something I clearly don't like doing, because as a fairly optimistic realist, I prefer to uplift.
And yet it happens. Because everyone needs to vent at times. I believe though, that when the venting takes over and becomes the majority of a persons reflections on life, that something is missing. In my case, what usually is missing is putting my trust in God--not, as my Pastor, Bryan Hurlbutt says, in his works--but instead, in his character.
Sadly, those of us who are believers tend to forget God in our times of great anguish, just as Job was reminded by his friend in Job 35:9-11:

Because of the multitude of oppressions they cry out; They cry for help because of the arm of the mighty. But no one says 'Where is God my maker, who gives songs in the night, who teaches us more than the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the heavens'? NASB

I am guilty of this. It's a learning curve, and I'm sorry that others have to feel the brunt of my ignorance. It makes me snarky and negative all in the interest of self-protection. It assuredly isn't my natural state, and the good Lord will help me through it. I've just got to remember that He's there for me. Trying to do it alone, through our own force of will is a fool's errand. That and remembering that it's never really as dark as it could be. There are people with a lot more trials than I have, and I grateful I have mine instead.
God is great. He will help us all through this. Rely on Him.

When frustrations mount

Ann was supposed to have an appointment with her Rheumatologist tomorrow. As per the previous post, she had been struggling with her legs. Now they are just weak--muscle atrophy, I believe. I was looking forward to her visit with her doctor as a prerequisite to getting some in-home physical therapy. Instead, she had a massive flare in her left arm (up to a 10 on the pain scale she says) and she called and canceled the appointment while I was at work. As her caregiver that frustrates me to no end. I wanted her to get walking better. She needs the help. I called and rescheduled it for her, but it's another six weeks out.
She is so heavy that if she ends up not being able to use her legs, there's no way I can help her in and out of a wheelchair to use the bathroom. And I can't be home full-time anyway, not and keep a roof over our heads. After her hospital stay last month, she had steadfastly determined that she wasn't going to go to the bariatric specialist for help with her weight via weigh-reduction surgery, even though they had provided a referral. I was hoping for the PT to get her healthy enough to walk, at least around the house, and then for her to consult with the bariatric specialists on how best to tackle the weight issue.
Instead, she is left with an uncertain and possibly grim future. Sometimes I'd just like to beat my head against the wall.
I have decided though, that beating my head will solve nothing, and allowing myself to be aggravated and frustrated won't help either. All I can do, is try and encourage, be there to pick up the pieces if and when they happen, and stay on top of my own health and happiness. And that's all really, that anyone who is a caregiver can reasonably expect.

My new post at my other blog

I posted on my challenges as a caregiver in my other blog. Check it out. Clicky-clicky.

Just got this in my Facebook feed

This link has some helpful information in it for those with RA and their loved ones. Clickety-click.

Life can be tough even when you don't have RA

My wife has been struggling big-time since around the second week of December. It started out with bad knee that wouldn't heal, then, likely because she was walking funny to keep her knee from hurting, her left hip began hurting like crazy. She became unable to walk more than a few steps. She's now using a desk chair to move from the living room to the bathroom and back again. Complicating matters is that she went from an already staggering 361 pounds to 381 pounds from November to the second week of January.
I am not a retired person. Thankfully, our daughter has been able to help while I've been at work, but my days off, and after work, are filled with washing the extra laundry that is caused by the diarrhea that's either happening because of extra-strength medications she's taking, or by something else--and the constant needs that must be met, like serving her food, water, etc..
And all that scares me. She's currently taking four ibuprofen every six hours, and two arthritis strength 650 milligram acetaminophen on the same schedule, and prednisone on top of that. The acetaminophen, according to the label, can only be taken every eight hours for a total of six in a 24 hour period. She was in the hospital last week and they told her she could take them every six hours, so she's sticking to that schedule. These are the pills that have strict warnings about impending liver damage if you exceed the dosage. The thing is, it has been the only thing to lessen her pain at all.
As for doctor's visits for help, she was in her doctor's office for that very thing last Wednesday when they checked her oxygen level and it was so worrisome, they sent her over to the ER. She ended up being admitted, then tested for all things related to her lungs, and nothing checked regarding the hip pain. Although deep-vein thrombosis was checked, no x-rays or MRIs were done, because they were more worried about possible blood clots in her lungs than anything else.
We called yesterday and told the doctor that the prednisone didn't seem to be working, and he upped the dosage, the first one being taken this morning, but this day has been one of her worst for pain.
I have been pretty much glued to the house in order to take care of her. When I went to the store this morning to pick up some Immodium AD and some other needs, by the time I got back, she'd had another diarrhea attack and was a mess. Thankfully, my daughter was there.
My plans last week on my day off (which was Thursday) had been to pick up some new ski boots, get a haircut, and go to the gym. Instead I spent the day at the hospital. I finally got my haircut, but the ski boots remain un-bought and this is the last day off I had open to go and get them prior to my ski day, for which the nonrefundable ticket has been purchased for the 30th. If Ann doesn't improve, I won't be going skiing either. I know that sounds selfish, but those of us who are caregivers definitely need our breaks. My personal outlook right now is not great. I'm tired, frustrated, grumpy, and lonely. I'm worried that I won't be able to regain my own health because I won't be able to get to the gym, and if so, how on earth am I supposed to take care of her and all the other things on my plate? I'm wondering how long this is going to last, how to handle things, if she's ever going to recover, what to do next, etc.
Yeah, I'm being a baby. I admit it. But's it's doggone hard doing this gig. Some people ask God "why me?" when hardships come, but I have found out that that's the question I must ask when something good happens too. "Why me? What did I do to deserve this joy in my life?" And honestly speaking, I don't think I've done much to deserve any of the joys I've had, and likely done much more to deserve my trials. I think I need God to help both Ann and me through this one.